Image by ElRaffa via Flickr
Guest Blogger Laura Riness
Many of us are familiar with the Civil Rights race-related struggles of the 1960′s. Those were, indeed, difficult times for our nation’s people of color, and although significant leaders emerged from the struggles for equality, it is a shame they even had something to fight for.
It is often stated that we are beyond those times, and all of the struggles and inequality have been put to rest. Some assert there is now complete equality between the races. As a woman of color, I would beg to differ. As an example, one need only consider the topic of interracial relationships. This is one area where traces of hesitation or concern still exist, and such concerns often overshadow the inner traits of the individuals involved.
I am not an inexperienced speaker on this topic. I was adopted in infancy into a Caucasian home and predominantly Caucasian rural community. Basically I was the diversity within the community. There was never a time when I did not know I was adopted. That fact was as obvious as the skin on my bones. Generally speaking I did not feel different. I led a normal life, and survived the ups and downs associated with growing up. The only area where I did and still feel a bit of a burn is that of dating.
There were no people of color for me to date as a young woman in a small Minnesota community. My options, if I wanted to date at all – and I did, were to select my dates from the available pool of “applicants”. In my case that meant dating interracially, something that I was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable with. That was just the way it was. I dated a bit in high school and college, but not nearly as frequently as my peers. Was this due, even a little bit, to my race? I will never be able to say for sure. On the inside I was similar to my peers, and I was definitely a product of my environment. On the outside, however, were differences that could not be denied. Some tried to convince me that I was “just like everyone else”, and at the time I took refuge in such statements. I wanted to blend in, just like many teens. I do remember wishing, however, that my “individuality” was rooted in my personality instead of in my ethnicity.
Fast forward some 20 years into the future, and here I am. I have often been asked to share my feelings on interracial relationships. What should people do if the person they love (or at least like) is of a different race? My response to such questions is unequivocally led by stating my belief that every person and every situation is different, and there is no way for me to offer a blanket statement indicating an absolute right or wrong. However, there are some statements that I can make, which are, no doubt, influenced by my personal experiences. Readers should keep that in mind when considering my comments. The statements and my reactions are featured below.
People are people, right? Race is completely irrelevant. People should be free to date who they like or love.
This is a statement I hear quite frequently, and generally speaking it comes from a good place. When people offer statements such as this, they are trying to illustrate acceptance. They believe that love is colorblind, and that true love does not see color. To this I say, kudos. It is refreshing that there are people out there who believe in, and advocate for, the human race. However, I do have a few concerns with such statements. First, depending on the people involved, such statements can seem a bit limiting and stifling. In my case, I remember thinking, “Don’t see me as you want to see me. See me as I am – an African-American woman. ” So, although I felt acceptance, I also felt a bit restrained. After all, how many of us would like to be told that being a woman or a man does not make us unique, or that we’re just like every other woman in the world? We want to be seen as the unique individuals we are, and this applies to ethnicity as well.
My family likes you, Laura, but if I brought home a date of another race, watch out.
This statement is confusing to me. Why would I be okay but a man of color would not? I believe this relates to the fact that I was not a threat to the family because I was not trying to date their daughter. I would not become more than a family friend. That is confusing, and I humbly suggest that individuals who make statements such as these take some time to decipher the message behind their words. The message could be interpreted as implying that an African-American friend is permissible, but an African-American (or other ethnic minority) spouse is not. Every family has its own rules and values, and I am not going to attempt to say what is right or wrong. I can only offer that I feel that such concerns need to be communicated to the potential dating partner and that the couple needs to spend time discussing the possibilities at the beginning of their relationship, if the attraction progresses to that level.
There is no way I would ever date someone of another race, no matter how nice or attractive they are.
Well, at least the person making such a statement is resolute in their decision. Whatever may be behind a statement such as this may never be known, but what I respect is the person’s honesty and frankness, even though my feelings might be a bit bruised. It takes courage and even a certain level of maturity to state one’s opinions, especially when the topic is a bit controversial. In the end, to that person I would say, “You probably shouldn’t date interracially then” and leave it at that.
Think of your potential children. Could you really do that to them?
Children? As far as I know the topic is simply dating. Marriage and children hopefully are future, not present topics. While it is good to plan for the future, and I often advise people not to date someone they would have serious concerns about marrying, the statement above seems a little premature. Dating is a time to get to know each other and to learn whether there is an attraction and whether the two individuals are compatible. I am also not convinced that having two loving and committed parents of different races is a handicap. Our world is becoming more diverse as we speak, and as a professional educator I have heard about parents of a wide variety of races that are committed to each other as well as to their family, and their children have flourished. Does this mean that children whose parents are of different elasticities, such as one German parent and one Italian parent, should be watched for signs of impairment or stress?
In response to the questions posed within the title of this article, I can state that in my opinion love is not colorblind. True, mature love sees and acknowledges the myriad of differences that exist between the two people involved. Love does not ignore the differences, nor does it magnify them. True love respects, supports, validates, and remains teachable. None of us have life all figured out, but I firmly believe that we can learn a lot about life from one another. Our relationships are a great source of education on so many levels, if we only allow ourselves to learn.
Laura Riness is a freelance author who writes about parenting and family-related issues, most often from a psychological perspective. If you enjoyed this article and would like to read more, please visit Laura’s blog, “Psyreflections” at http://psyreflections.weebly.com.
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